- INFJ-INTJ: The Dark Horse of Ideal INFJ Relationships
- INFJ-INTJ: The Dark Horse of Ideal INFJ Relationships – Youtopia Project
- The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ
- 3 thoughts on “The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ”
In the past my relationships have involved me giving emotional support and receiving the minimum amount back. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship for my personality type but it made me realise that I had limited emotional resources and that I could not connect with just anyone. Everyone wants to be loved and for INFJs it can be interesting to have someone to give all your affections, but that also means running the risk of someone leaching from you.
My boyfriend is an INTJ. So my boyfriend supposedly has similar traits to the Tesla guy and the Interstellar dude. My boyfriend is very decisive. Our relationship is full of decisions.
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This particular relationship has been different to the rest. From the onset, I was determined to let my boyfriend understand that he must not confuse his initial level of comfort around me with us sharing a much deeper connection at the start. Maybe I was just being over cautious but I will explain below why I did not need to go through any of that with him. I believe that people often overlook any pairing of the INFJ with an introvert for fear that too much introversion in the relationship might lead to emotional incompatibility, or possibly a lack of balance in the relationship.
From my own experience, I find most extroverts to be too much to take. I like to think of myself as being a shy peacock. Now imagine a garden full of peacocks. Now imagine another peacock who has his feathers readily on show for all to see and thrives from being surrounded by all these humans in awe.
This is how I see most extroverts and I honestly would not be able to cope. Partly because I find the most extroverts actually discourage me from coming out of my shell because of how present they are; I feel as though I do not have space to be myself because they are just so.. What got my attention when I met my boyfriend was: I had not met someone who made me feel like I was looking into a mirror, but with a deeper voice, more confidence and self assurance.
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I had not even considered his personality type or how compatible we may be because it all went very smoothly. From my own empirical evidence, we are very compatible, share similar values and we generally have the same approach to life. The INTJ boyfriend will be reading a book on one side of the room and I will be truly demolishing noobs on league of legends. I do not like big groups. He is a lot more social that I am and has different groups of friends the mind boggles.
He gets this and has always gone out of his way to make sure I am not in a situation like that, or if I have to be, that I am not there longer than necessary. When meeting his best friend, I am aware that he agave him a talking to to not freak me out. Turns out his bestie was an INFJ and we got on rather well!
INFJ-INTJ: The Dark Horse of Ideal INFJ Relationships
We take turns talking and are both really good listeners. On this front, we get on like a house on fire. I do have to nudge him every now about communication because he sometimes seems to rely on me bringing things up before he lets it rip. We enjoy discussing big ideas and solving the worlds troubles over dinner. We have similar views on the big things and occasionally disagree.
I appreciate the viewpoint he brings to the conversation as he is very rational and everything seems to be black and white to him sometimes, which boggles my righteous, overly humanitarian mind. We enjoy talking about the future. Him more so than me as I appear to be the risk averse one. I have attributed this to the ordinary fears of an INFJ when in any intense relationship. We do seem to lack interest in everyday living. I cannot say that I spend that much time obsessing over the ironing or the washing.
Mind you, until earlier this year, my dear boyfriend had existed on this earth without owning an iron. We are both young professionals and I suspect a large part of our desire to succeed in our careers is so that we can hire a few assistants in later life. So this is where we start to diverge.
Me and my boyfriend are both introverted intuitive types. However, we externalise our introverted intuitive perceptions differently. The primary difference comes down to Thinking vs Feeling. For the majority of the time, our temperaments are similar. Everything can be packaged in his little Thinker head.
He is one of the few people I know who can take criticism and make an action plan from it without taking offence. He wanted to stay home most of the time, so she accused him of being boring.
From my perspective, this is a win-win. I get the encouragement I need to socialize, even if from another introvert, and he gets to feel less hermit-y and boring compared to me. Anything I can think up, he can execute. But to say he is all implementation and no creative input would be inaccurate as well as an underestimation — he thinks about a project and studies it, then is able to recreate it in a drawing on paper. At least in my experience, these two types are well-matched in strength of will, self-reliance, intellect, and intuition though the INFJ probably has it there.
These similarities must come at a price, I suppose, and it is this: It has always been fairly uncommon for us to argue; our shared intuition leads us to respect and encourage each other. At our best, we can rationally discuss issues and come to a resolution that we can both live with.
INFJ-INTJ: The Dark Horse of Ideal INFJ Relationships – Youtopia Project
He also understands that I need to emote and talk, and that shutting down is not often an option with me. Both types are intuitive, and my husband can glean things from others and a room environment as well. So many times I have pointed out to my husband that a certain individual is shady, only to have him roll his eyes and shrug me off.
I have predicted many an outcome to a variety of situations, and still he wobbles when I tell him I can see and feel things.
The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ
Even considering these inherent differences, we can learn from each other using what we know about ourselves. My emotional sensitivity wears me down at times, but my husband teaches me to separate myself from the emotions of others. Because my husband is less emotionally afflicted than me, he can be unaware of how someone might receive something he says. My husband told me shortly after we met that he found me intimidating.
3 thoughts on “The Surprising Thing About Dating an INTJ, as an INFJ”
I thought this was completely ridiculous because:. The challenge of getting to know him was a refreshing one, as I had to work hard for it.
But as soon as I spent a little time with him and heard his witty, sarcastic humor, I was hooked. I could see and feel things then just like I can now, and my intuition told me this was going to be way more than I ever expected.
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Fan of personality theory since Currently in my third year of veterinary school and oldest in my class at Follow me on Twitter elinich. Yeah, but, exciting challenging? Is it a unicorn or a malnourished rhinoceros? I dont know……… I dont know….. All of these comments are cracking me up: I could have written this myself, almost word for word.
I felt the exact same! It felt very surreal reading when they met, he was with someone else at the time, she being sociable and whatnot, it felt like my own lige for a bit. So strange lol I feel like this opened a positive doorway to my own relationship with my intj man. My partner is strongly INFJ. For us, this is a very lovely pairing too. We get along almost effortlessly, and this became apparent almost as soon as we met.
If you reverse the gender, much of what you describe applies in our case. He is teaching me a little more about myself, and I am finding a gentler side — embracing mercy over justice in my approach to life and other people a little more if you like, while I think I am teaching him to trust in himself more, and not care so much about the opinions of others. I guess though that goes in a pairing of any kind.
Thank you for the feedback???? I really enjoy female INTJs, as well see my most recent post. The emotional aspect of his mind is what always intrigued me because he always appears so outwardly cold, but I can see the wheels of emotion turning inside his head.
I understand the eye roll! Not sure I have any useful advice, but I do know that behind the high-powered logic is an intuitive who is capable of understanding you. He may know you better than you think — they pay close attention???? I am 34 divorced 2x and I can honestly say I have never been happier. We just get each other — good and bad — and allow each other to be who we are independently and in the relationship. Wish I would have met him many years ago, but happy I have him now. Yeah this is my 11 year relationship also except even as the infj, I am way less introverted than my intj husband.
I always say married people should hate most of the same things rather than love most of the same things…this is a great example of why. Just as long as someone helps the other not be a total shut in I make most of our friends then I see nothing dark about it. He rather read on the beach than go into the jungle. I usually wish to be with someone who would pull me out once in a while. I would say he has a lot of people in his life- but he seems to have trouble differentiating who is worth giving attention to.
I hope this helps. One of my great loves was an INTJ.