- When your Abusive Ex starts Dating
- Dating after abuse. Dating after a narcissist. Watch what they do!
- Low self esteem
Crowds freak me out. Doubting that they would. He scoffed and started admonishing me. He then hung up. I felt my hands shaking on the steering wheel. I turned on the windshield wiper after I realize that the window had become blurry from the rain. This was how I felt after every conversation we ever had throughout our relationship. I wish I stayed and talked to him to get closure. All I knew was in that moment, while I was lying in bed in Vietnam, thinking about him moving on and dating this new unknowing girl, was that I wished our relationship had more closure than that abrupt conversation in the rain.
Maybe he was going to apologize. Maybe he wanted closure too. I got dizzy thinking about all of the maybes. The way we ended things was messy, but it was a proper ending nonetheless. I just needed to let go of his abusive hold on me and remember that I had someone who loved and respected me and with whom I could feel love without losing myself in it. I thought back to one of my first happy memories with my boyfriend. I was meeting up with some friends at a rave, but I had come early to wait in line.
He blushed, looked away, and squeezed my hand. Perhaps you are angry to see him treating a new woman with such love and tender care. Especially when you look back at all the abuse from your relationship. In this case, it is important to remember that most abusers do not change their behavior depending on the person they date. While it is possible that your ex sought professional help and changed, how something appears from the outside — or the early stages of the relationship — might not show outward signs of abuse, but it is likely to happen again.
You did not cause the abuse; your abuser is the one who caused it. And because of this, do not believe that your ex only abused you. Their new flame is also likely to encounter abusive behaviors unless they sought professional help. Do you warn this new person? This is a tricky question, and is an issue that is not black or white. However, there are some things for you to consider when making your decision:. Regardless of whether you warn the new partner or not, be prepared to help if they reach out.
Even though that might be difficult to deal with, all survivors have been through hell, and they need support to make it out to the other side. There is no right answer as to whether you should warn the new partner about past abusive behavior and each situation is different. However, after taking into account the different consequences of warning the new partner, or not warning them, hopefully you will be able to come to the decision that is right for you.
Is even this guy a narc? Somehow I missed it again?? In case ur wondering, we havent been intimate yet becuz of a couple reasons, hes not punishing me for no sex. I wonder if hes married. Even tho I know damn well hes not. He ACTS like it now tho. I think the most important thing is to watch what they do… If there is a big disconnect between what they say and do it is a big red flag for me. So, if they say ILY yet constantly avoid you etc. Your confusion is because what he is saying is not aligned with what he is doing.
Please put yourself first. You and your wellbeing are what matters most. Is he treating me with kindness and respect? Is this relationship bringing out the best in me? And if he breaks them, then question whether it is a healthy relationship. One that will give you long-term happiness. When I was 18, I married an abuser he was We were only together a year and a half, but we have a child, so his controlling and threatening behaviors followed me until she turned 18 a few months ago.
I remarried at 24 for the wrong reasons my child was diagnosed with a serious illness and I wanted to be able to stay home with her. Husband 2 was abuser light, as I like to call it. His abuse was far more insidious because everyone liked him, so it felt like I was the crazy one. Anyway, after 10 years of marriage I walked away. I also spent time in domestic violence counseling, reading books, educating myself, etc.click
When your Abusive Ex starts Dating
Then I met my current boyfriend. I had no idea such closeness and healthy communication existed. That is a really big first step. Yes, healthy communication and closeness do exist, I felt the same as you when I found it the first time. I think the reason you are struggling is that you are focussing on him and his behaviour and how it makes you feel. And on the relationship itself and not where you need to be. Which is on you. For us to understand it we are in a healthy relationship or not. Why we attract those who hurt us, or dysfunctional relationships in the first place.
How not to have our happiness depend on others, we have to really look at ourselves. Why we have low self-esteem because when we do we attract those who treat us as worthless or go into dysfunctional relationships , where it comes from in our childhoods and how it manifests in our relationships. I suggest that you need to start with you, irrespective of any relationship. The first one Victim to Survivor really helps you understand if the relationship you are in is a healthy one or not. How to break the cycle and not repeat the negative patterns, that impact on us having healthy relationships.
And why we still struggle and find it hard in new relationships that are healthier. If you want to find out more, this is the Victim to Survivor course — https: If not, keep reading through more of my posts and watch my videos as I go into this in various ones of these as well. I hope that helps. Hi I was in an abusive relationship with for three and a half years, he was emotionally abusive and physical a couple of times.
I took the necessary time to heal and also to seek counselling. Unfortunately the aftermath of this relationship was horrific and caused major tension with one brother and my grown son. They held a lot of anger with me over staying in this relationship. Recently I met a mutual friend and we started dating. We got on well had a lot in common and he was very attentive.
He was keen, always texting and wanting to met and treated me well. He knew my ex I felt I could trust him and I told him on the second and third date just a brief outline of the stuff that went on. Needless to say he finished it saying that I was not ready for a relationship and that he was not ready to hear these things. He said he also was not ready for this himself and he did not need the pressure of making me happy.
Now I really liked him, he made me laugh and I felt comfortable in myself but I always had this fear of been hurt. I am ready for a relationship but I know I should not have to explain my past. I have decided to go back to counselling after this because it threw me for six and it knocked my confidence a lot. Did I make a mistake confiding in him? Was it too soon? But another voice in my head keeps saying if he was a strong person he should have been able to deal with it and accept this is the person i was.
I was perfectly happy before I met him, I was in a good place and I felt good about myself. I know my happiness is down to me not him. I just feel that my judgement and trusting nature let me down and I should have known better than to divulge this information. Hi Julia, please do not blame yourself for his reaction. The voice in your head is correct. A strong and healthy person should be able to deal with this and accept you for who you are.
Trust your instincts at all times, that is what that voice in your head is. I am so glad that you were in a good place and able to be happy within yourself. That is the most important thing… to focus on you and your wellbeing, not on someone else. Once you are strong in yourself and have good self esteem, the rest follows. You will find someone you can trust in the future, I am sure of it. You are taking the right steps. We were in a lesbian relationship. She was emotionally and physically abusive, at one point she tried to kill me.
I lied and covered it all up. I kept going back to the relationship, even though she abused me and my daughter, and even begged at one point, seeing her happy online with a new job with an ex girlfriend. I felt ashamed of myself for reacting and going back when I was moving on. My ex has threatened me not to tell anyone what she did to me.
Today I saw her in the village I live with another woman. I felt safe here that she would have no reason to come to the village but she has. As you say, domestic abuse crosses all lines — gender, religion, sexuality etc. You are not to blame for this. No one deserves abuse. But I know how hard it is too. Having someone you love almost kill you is such a shock and it takes time to process and recover. Particularly if she starts stalking you. If this escalates I would report it. Record all dates and times etc. Stalking needs to be taken seriously. No one should live in fear like that.
If she does keep turning up to intimidate you, you can also speak to the Paladin National Staling Advocacy Service. They are brilliant at helping those affected. I have their number listed on my DV resources page of this blog. It was set up by a woman who has been instrumental in changing the laws in the UK to make emotional abuse or coercive control deemed a crime. Surround yourself with family and friends who love you and validate your self esteem.
Your story is a carbon copy of mine. I saw the red flags right from the beginning of our 16 month relationship but ignored them. In between on rare moments she was beautiful, kind, tender. I excused most of her bad behaviour because she was severly abused as a child which created depression among other things. It is so horrific, so hurtful. I believe she will try and find me. I was a complete wreck for 2 weeks then this last week I began self therapy to heal the hurt inside me and to sort out why I allowed myself to put up with so much abuse. Look after you first. Sit down and remember the things you used to like before you became an extension of your ex.
Hang with good people but make YOU your own best friend. You are better than that. Good luck with everything. Try not to be afraid. You are free, she is a slave to her own lack of personality and empathy x. This is also the only way to break the cycle, not go back to them or into another abusive relationship. I got out of an abusive relationship earlier this year back in May. Aside from it being long distance, it weighed very heavily on top of the abuse.
I was physically, mentally, and sometimes sexually abused by my partner. It feels like he never left. I still struggle with memories of how amazing it was in the beginning and slowly started to get worse later on in the relationship. I wonder, how can someone that has hurt someone so bad, be able to move on without any guilt or resentment?
My ex was divorced, unhappy with himself, insecure, jealous, and very controlling. Every through miles away, he still had a way to keep me from seeing friends, family, and miss out on events. I sometimes hate myself for never leaving earlier. I wanted to give it a chance in hopes that he would change, as he said he would.
But it just got progressively worse. He was much older than I was, 6 years to be exact. I left him and moved on. I still have reoccurring thoughts of my past because it hurts and I want to heal. I have trust issues because my ex made me nuts and insecure. However, this man is someone I want to hold on to and see what comes out of it. I just want to be happy. Hi Cindy, sorry to hear what you have been through. The most important thing is you recognise that this is not love. It is about control. As awful as that means a new victim, be thankful it is no longer you. I am so happy you have found someone who sounds like they may be good for you instead.
I tried to push my new partner away as emotional availability scared me. So, I know how scary it is at first. But little by little, with my wellbeing at the forefront, I was able to trust again and build a lasting, loving relationship. You deserve to be happy and will be if you put you first and trust your gut always. I have been in a relationship, it was LDR, so not physically abuse but emotionally. Always took me for granted, not appreciating my efforts. Even didnt show any efforts towards our relationship. I just walked away without saying anything. We were together 2 years..
I should of noticed really when we found out I was pregnant he was quick to try and get me to move where he lived give up my flat leave my family behind.. But I noticed when I moved over to where he was from things changed,. What did I do? The first thing is you are NOT to blame for any of his behaviour. Nothing you said or did differently would have changed him either.
His actions are abusive and he alone is responsible for that. This is the most difficult time, when we first leave an abusive relationship.
Dating after abuse. Dating after a narcissist. Watch what they do!
What you are going through is like withdrawing from an addictive drug. You will feel anxiety, depression, anger, loneliness and all number of emotions that have been suppressed for so long. It is a painful and confusing time. What happens in these relationships is we develop what is known as a codependency on them. That one minute having them being loving towards us, the next seeing their abusive side, starts to wear our self-esteem down.
We get to the point where the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is the same person who is hurting us, which is what you describe. I am so glad you out of this relationship. No one deserves violence or emotional abuse. It is not a healthy relationship and it is no good for you or your wellbeing. The most important thing now is for you not to play over all the tapes in your head as to what he said or did, or what you might have done differently.
You need to take your focus off him and your relationship and put it where it belongs, which is on YOU. You also need emotional support and help to get through this difficult time, not just physical refuge. They will be able to point you to the right counselling or support group. I did this and it was invaluable to me. These posts might also help you to understand his behaviour and codependency: Thank you so much for posting this.. After reading this, I realize he did exactly the things you described.. Thank you for helping me realize this and now I can avoid getting into another relationship like this by watching for early warning signs.
Ian so glad it is helpful to you. The red flags are all there. We just have to be still and observe them. Also trust your gut instincts. They are there for a reason. I am happy you are part of my Unbeatable community. I also have closed Facebook support group you can join if you like. There are others in there who have been through what you have all supporting each other. So, I just left a very emotionally abusive marriage with a personality disordered person and addict. I recently went on a date with a former old friend and felt hyper aware of what she was saying.
She also made a few small comments about my appearance. These signs seem similar to my ex but idk…. She explained that she usually dedicated into relationships and lives spending a lot of time together and staying connected. Her demeanor was to cuddle, be affectionate, and very passionate but those words made me feel triggered…should I just better explain my history with her and attempt to get a better understanding?
I would absolutely trust your gut instincts and that feeling of being triggered. Our instincts are there to give us warnings. We need to always heed them. If you know her well and feel comfortable enough to share your past relationship with her, then you could possibly do that. But make sure if you do so, you set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable to you or not. If there is any sense she uses this knowledge against you or her actions are not aligned with what she says, then ask yourself is this person good for you and your wellbeing?
Perhaps consider some time alone too. Sometimes rushing from one relationship to the next without time to focus on ourselves and healing leads us to repeat the same negative patterns. Focus on you, build your self esteem and date only when you feel strong in your sense of self worth and are able to maintain strong boundaries. I hope that helps? How did you move past the pushing your now-husband away, creating dramas, and projecting fears onto him? I am noticing my fears and traumas are leading me to act very oddly in a new romance, and I am worried I have destroyed what could be a great relationship based on this.
It sounds like you went through something similar… I am just wondering what helped you move through it… Thank you for this post! I continued to go to a support group for a number of years, even after I met him. I read self-help books. But the most important thing I learnt was to watch not what he said, but what he did. He was kind, loving. Narcissistic types say wonderful things, but do the opposite.
I also learnt to let go and not try to control. Just be still, watch what they do, and trust it will be okay. If you see them, then walk away.
Sounds simple, I know. Time is your best friend. I was in a relationship three years ago when I had just turned 17 with a boy who was four years older than me. Age never really meant much to me back then I live in a very loving home with very loving parents — I have a big brother but he lives upstate since, in the beginning, it was a very sweet and innocent romance.
To this day, I still kind of put the blame of what happened onto myself. It all started with us hardly seeing each other. I always tried to make an effort to spend time together, but he never put in as much of an effort to try himself. We lived far apart, you see, so meeting up was always difficult, but that also made the days we COULD see each other more special in the beginning in my eye.
Well, apparently, he did not feel the same way. It always seemed like he had some kind of excuse to not come see me or cancel our dates. I thought, at the time, well…at least we talk everyday…Yeah. Prior to us becoming a couple, we had had lots of lengthy messages and enthrawling conversations, but it all died after we got together.
Granted, he texted everybody like that — with curt, short replies — but still. The only times he DID write more were when the messages were explicit in a sexual nature. Now comes when things got really bad…I was young. I had gotten together with him right after my birthday, so I was hardly even On one of the few times we met up, he groped me during a kiss.
I had tried to push his hand away, but admittedly…I am really submissive, so he just kind of took my apprehension as bashful enjoyment, I guess? And had gotten cocky about it and just kept on, so…I kinda just let him, thinking that was how relationships functioned. Please, keep in mind, I am Christian and I believe in personally waiting until marriage to have sex. I want to wait for the man God has planned for me to meet before doing something so intimate and special with someone, and this is something I had told the boy I was with from the very start of our relationship.
I warned him that I was not going to sleep with him because of my beliefs, and at the start, he was okay with that, from what he told me. Anyway, after that happened, things just got worse and worse by the day. The only thing that really seemed to matter to him in our relationship was this sudden sensual air it had gained after that day he touched me. I remained firm that I would not sleep with him, but the sensual air remained.
However, it was suffocating how prominent it was in the relationship. The only time he would bother to speak to me extensively was when it was something sexual in nature. Admittedly, I was blinded by the idea of love. I know now, with my age, that what I felt for him was not love. What I loved then was the idea of being in love.
Because of that, I was blinded and always made up some excuse in my head for his behavior and just sort of played along with the conversations. When it came to meeting in person, however, I just wanted affection. I always have, still do and always will crave and desperately require affection. My dream is to have a loving, nurturing family when I am ready, and I need someone who will love me as much as I love them to do this. So, naturally, whenever we met in person, I just wanted to spend time together.
Yes, I admit, we had some kisses here and there that were a little more heated than need be, but overall, I just wanted to be loved and paid attention by him. However, once again, all he really raged on was lust. It never got to the worst extreme, thank God, for I was never raped or anything, but he did try to do other things over clothes to me and forced me to do things over clothes as well that I just was…blatantly not okay with. I have always been submissive, now more so than ever, but even back then I had asked him to stop when things got too scary to me with the physical stuff to continue, but…he never really listened and never stopped until something interrupted us.
Still, even then, I tried to make excuses for him. I tried with all my heart to make the relationship work. I had been set in my mind that things would get better, that we would be happy, and hopefully our relationship would last many, many years. I wanted more than just the physical, but he clearly did not. In the end, he was the one who left me — how ironic is that? To this day, I still get triggered flashbacks of the things that happened. The sound of zippers, certain words and phrases, certain actions, certain kinds of touches…they all bring back memories.
I have gotten W A Y better over the years and am in a much better and happier place emotionally speaking as of now, though — it used to be much worse. Today, I am happy. Today, I am able to feel comfortable alone. Today, I can actually face my past instead of cowering away from it and trying to make my mind block it out all together.
Earlier this year, I told my mother and brother about what happened. However, it was good to finally talk to them about it. I was able open up that bottle I had kept hidden inside for so, so long. I had discussed what happened with friends in the past, yes, but the relief I felt confiding in my family was far greater than that of just my friends.
So, I was able to make it through, yes, but it IS still there and I think it always will be. I still blame myself for it, because it feels like I was just the enabler. If I had just said something and listened to the voice in my head that told me what was happening was wrong, maybe none of it would have happened. As much as I had healed today, I am still terrified of trusting a man again with my heart, body and soul.
I really want to.
Low self esteem
I really, really do. I KNOW not all men are the same. There was this guy who had been real sweet to me last year during Christmas time. We had met and had an instant connection, and the conversations we had were wonderful, enthrawling, genuine and real. I felt, for a while, maybe it was finally my chance to try again…!
He had asked me out in a sheepish way, and when I said yes, he got so excited! But when our date night came, something happened with work and he was unable to go, so we rescheduled for the following week. This was okay to me, because even so, he still kept up with me and tried to talk to me…That is, until Christmas came around. Our date was before Christmas, so I kinda expected it would not work out that day, but I kinda gave him my own test. I got fed up and decided to give the silent treatment as well and still I heard no peep from him even up to New Years Eve.
Well, when the clock struck 12, I decided to try again and give him a last chance. I sent him a message for the new year and awaited a response…but nothing. Nothing ever came, so I just kinda…let it go. I assumed he lost interest or found someone better, and thankfully, I had not gotten too emotionally attached, so I was okay. I was happy continuing my life, but then this passed summer, right on out of the blue, he messages me again.
There was a sudden spike in interest, he found me on my social media and messaged me through there as well, but I just sort of ignored him. I felt guilty for it, but it felt…odd. Why would he disappear for six months when we were hitting it off at the start just to pop up out of nowhere again and not even address why he left to begin with in his message? It felt strange and scary — awfully familiar to my past, so I hardcore ignored. I ignored while on my end, I had panic attacks thanks to my mind coming up with elaborate, ridiculous conclusions of what could be possibly going on. I want to meet someone who will be able to find out who I am deep down in my core and love me for it.
I keep telling myself I am still young, I am only 20 years old, but the nagging fear of eternal loneliness continues to pester…. Please, do you have any advice on how to make an aching, affection-deprived heart comfortable with being alone for a while until the good one comes?
- online dating trash?
- dating sites that let you message for free.
You are so young and you will be okay. You will find love and it can be a healthy relationship. But first, the most important thing is for you to focus on you, more than looking for a relationship right now. You need to heal and work on you. Firstly, you are not to blame for any abuse, be it emotional, verbal, physical or sexual which is what you went through. I urge you to consider seeking help in understanding this relationship via a confidential counsellor or support group.
I have listed free, anonymous helplines that can help refer you to the right person or place here: You describe him in the beginning as cancelling dates, not showing much interest. He was showing you the sort of warning sign that he was not going to be there for you, possibly not even that interested and definitely not someone who would care for you and your emotional needs. But you made excuses for this.
You were too also too afraid to say no when he pushed healthy boundaries and behaved unacceptably towards you sexually. He used you for sex. It is true we can be blinded by love. As you yourself say, you were confusing sex for love. The good thing is you know now that what you felt was not love. This relationship was not healthy. Again, I am not saying any of this to blame you, but to try to explain. All of what I have just described above suggests to me that you have a low sense of self-esteem and self-worth.
So much so that you tried to make a broken relationship work. That was the driving factor, even when he was no good to you and sexually abused you. This is what is known as codependent behaviour. When we become addicted to someone who is emotionally unavailable to us. Even though they hurt us, we need them to make us feel good about ourselves. That is the first important step. But what appears to be happening now is that when you meet someone new, you are focussing all of your attention on them.
In fact, your entire happiness depends on them and how they behave towards you. You are also trying to control the situation — by testing them, as you say. You are projecting onto them what you hope and believe they should be, rather than letting go and allowing them to be who they are. What is driving this, is that same desperate craving for attention and affection.
You need them to make you feel happy, good about yourself, loved and wanted. I would suggest you take your focus off them. In fact, if you try to control a healthy person who has a good sense of self-worth, you might end up pushing them away. Instead, try to understand why you have a low sense of self-esteem, which I believe is the reason for this craving for affection. If we have a high self of self-worth and sense of self-esteem, then we will be more likely to be able to let go. We will focus on our needs and well being, take responsibility for our actions and behaviour.
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And let others be who they are, responsible for their own behaviour and actions as well. Only then can you love someone else in a healthy way. Only then can we allow them to love us in a healthy way as well. So take time and get support to learn how to do this.
Read books on self-love and how to build your self-esteem. To say no if they push through them and walk away. You are enough with or without a man. I hope this all helps? My daughters father was very abusive to me as well, and I was with him for a year and three months.
In the beginning he did show signs but I just wanted it to be something else. The emotional abuse happened in the beginning-calling me names etc.