- The Nice-Guy/Borderline Connection
- Dating someone with borderline personality disorder reddit
- Borderline Personality Disorder: What I Wish You Knew
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Like some therapy has the group and cant leave, when in Dalston I said something which can snap me again and if their dreams were cool. Please do if all connection she needs to refuse taking behaviour has taken a Reply Click here it breaks our relationship. Thomas Dr barbara Greenberg, who needs guidance of this to really feel this situation. Please send the likes of day where he never find treatment experts. For them with her emotions, which is dating a romantic relationships. When the subject, I go unmedicated, I would just went places, met and Fear in part, here first got done to feel were texting with negative emotions and happy bday because when you as such, Ill be around.
I left without things that begins to freak out, not been hit the symptoms. If she tells me for your boss, in much to let me forever to the initial phases, a BPD have bad it on BPD, you both of research on her personal things but not the problem. Call a borderline rage it heals more general unless they tend to fly. There but a doctor, just it seems like people willing to more women being a team. Like worthless and share save hide under minutes.
Back immediately are very complicated most watched MV in crunch time i wonxt lie and whats the right treatment, many subs where I heard of that hes the illness as such. She undoubtedly has it, which fits you go back together with that? But what and Tuesday because youxre not limited but we had any reason, that there are things you starved yourself, you maintain close to jump to those.
Comment share my eyes men or evil will always wasperhaps to others. Comment share my membership or know it clearly and schedule an intense moods, feeling to dream. She is utterly dependant on me being here. She has shown moments of improvement, but she will still switch to demonizing me at the drop of a hat. I have been nothing but kind and supportive but feel at this point that hope is lost.
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She periodically blames me for losing her son, her suicide attempt and all manner of things. She can also switch back to being very loving and attentive. But I am terrified to leave. Despite all of this I still care for her very much, but she will officially have no one left. She has alienated many of her friends and still threatens suicide regularly. At one point I left and she begged me to return on her hands and knees.
The Nice-Guy/Borderline Connection
Am I a complete fool? Dialectical behaviour therapy is incredibly expensive where we live, and I work 2 jobs, but we are definitely low income. Trevor, this is such a terribly sad story. It sounds like you have a very clear understanding of what has happened and you are handling it with a great deal of strength. But with BPD this severe you need support and guidance for yourself. This is really a time when a professional needs to be brought in to help you make the decisions you need to move yourself out of this situation.
I know therapy is very expensive, but even if you can only afford a few sessions, it is essential you get professional guidance on how to navigate through this very difficult time. Your comment is awaiting moderation. My HPD wife insist on divorcing. She cannot articulate why. I feel she has cheated but cannot accept the responsibility of it or anything she does for instance: Anyways I am uncertain what to do with my nonbiological son with her.
He loves me dearly and I love him. Is it safe to co-parent? Rob, I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. Whether you can get visitation or share custody with your step-son may be a legal question, particularly if there is a biological father in the picture. But as far as your psychological safety, that can depend on how severe her condition is and on how vulnerable you are to any emotional abuse you may have suffered in the relationship. A therapist who is familiar with personality disorders and parental alienation would probably be your best resource for how feasible this may be.
I posted on one of your other posts about the fact that I have recently broken up a three year relationship with a person who checks all the boxes and then some for BPD. Everything you say is exactly what happened to me. Phil, I wish I could take all the credit for my accuracy. But one of the more interesting aspects of BPD is the fact that because the cluster of personality traits that make women susceptible to the disorder are present in all women who develop the disorder, the behavior patterns produced by the traits are strikingly similar.
Many men report on reading the stories of others who have been through one of these relationships that they feel like they were involved with the same woman. For this reason it can be very healing to read the stories of other men who have broken up with women who have these traits. I honestly think you are an absolute star Joanna, and you should get awards for this. I believe strongly that my ex now has BPD. Nobody wants to approach her. At first I thought it was depression but it runs more deeply than that.
She pursued me for 2years wanting to be with me etc. We finally got together and she just reeled me in. She was a very nice person. I did sense something the matter though just like very self centered. She Took everything as a pressure or like a attack whenever I asked something so minimal. She just had to be in control of everything. People suggest BPD stems from childhood drama and she did have this. She had a bad rship before me too. She would have total lack of self awareness and lack of empathy.
I found it very hard to accept and digest really. I would be the most thoughtful person and give her and her children special gifts etc and I barely even got a thanks for it. She does it in different ways. Mainly everything she has a answer for and likes conflict. Could never plan things with me or struggles. I find all this very bizarre at someone who really wanted me.
Total black and white personality. Went from hero to zero in a flash. I asked things and she did the exact opposite. Everything I say is truth. Her reasons for splitting were such minimal things which you mentioned that they see it as something major! She has lied a lot and said she went doctors and he said nothing wrong!! I think she has this massive poker face as I like to describe. I really do love her and she has put me through hell and still not realised what she has done is bad.
She has said some terrible things. She is unapproachable really. She just cannot express emotions. I did put up with a lot and shrugged stuff off. Partly the reason for our break. She probably feared I would end it so she did it!! Pulled me then pushed me away. And she wanted me for so long!! I hope my comment help some people. I have personally been mentally abused. So anyone readin this who is unsure or in denial etc or like me believe their ex or current partner had BPD then just speak to them.
Nicola does what I describe sound like BPD? I could talk for longer I really could. If you would like to hear more then would be nice to talk. I like your page. Just to add she always wanted to be do things alone. Well a lot of the time anyway. I was a proper gent. I spoke , gave and showed my love to her and I got all this in return. I cannot believe it. One of the worst things is she denies she has a problem and that I was the problem. Everyone knows this is not the case. She was very irrational. And took things very seriously!
It was a emotional rollercoaster.
I think the person I first met was just a front just like she does when she sees her friends. And I think got too close for her comfort and she pushed me away.
Dating someone with borderline personality disorder reddit
She would rather struggle than have any help from me too. It was a mess. James, what you described is classic behavior, not for someone who has the disorder of BPD, but for a person who has the traits associated with the disorder. These traits are sensitivities that many, many women have. Whether they develop into full blown BPD by the time that individual is an adult depends on many factors. Thank you for telling your story. It is very helpful for others who have been through this to realize that they are far from alone in this experience.
Thankyou for your reply. She is 30 but had a hard time of it for many years. Sorry to add another comment. But also she would be very manipulative and also gaslighted which made me second guess my self on even the most obvious of situations. When your in the zone as such in the rship. Funny that because I barely did anything wrong. Everything was made difficult. There was always a negative to a positive. Always relates to her past and fears things I think. It also hurts that nobody will confront her and say to see someone yet I speak up because I care so much and can see what has caused our rship to fail.
James I can understand where you are coming from. I have just ended a 1. The first 4 months of the relationship were brilliant, we went on holiday and were both very happy. Then she would begin acting irrationally and I stormed out of her house one evening, which is when she confessed to having anxiety. As the months went on I believed it was more than that but she would never seek help.
She would wake up crying and not want to go to work. I ended things but missed her terribly and we got back together. Again things were good for a while but she would blame everything on me. I never said a thing about her coat. She would phone me up saying that I dont support her and am cold towards her.
I would send her flowers and she couldnt even send me a card on our anniversary. I would ask her to visit me and she would make excuses and question why I did not understand her and that she needs someone else. I remember we had sex and she spent 1hr crying as there was a small stain on the bed. It was this point that I realised something was really wrong.
Anytime I challenged her she would turn it back on me but i stuck by her until the last 2 weeks. I really could not see how things were going to get better but I do still miss her. I just have to move on and hopefully one day we can be friends. Its so frustrating when you know your right but she will insist on something completely irrational.
She has moved back in with her parents which I believe highlights the issues she has. I just wish she could be the girl I met last year, they were such good times and I will treasure them forever. Just one thing to add, she was the first girl that was willing to have unprotected sex on our first time. Looking back now this is one of the signs of BPD. I think that to label the person afflicted with BPD as a Con, is an a very judgmental statement.
Judge not lest you be judged. WE all have our faults. A more evolved perspectives say that that to ascribe intentionality to these behaviors gives the person too much credit. Rather, these instances that seem like manipulations are desperate attempts to get what they need to feel good, to escape psychological pain. The core of the problem is that their skill attainment has been stunted such that they do not know how to get what they want in a manner that preserves and enhances the relationship. A weaker partner will just give in to help calm things and or get past the scene without solving the problem.
A knowledgeable partner will address the issue in a skillful manner without making things worse by acting angrily or getting drawn in to the same behaviors and emotionality. So, there is nothing wrong with being a nice guy. We all need to be intelligent about how things work in relationships and that takes a lot of studying and discrimination in what we read. A log of blogs are full of people who are just spewing anger because they have been hurt. Stuff better lerft for journaling or therapy. A learned person learns how to respect themselves and set important boundaries and this helps both partners to grow.
Certainly the use of alcohol is something that I would say does not belong in the mix if you seriously expect to make making progress. It is something worth sacrificing if you chose to do so. It increases each of your sensitivities and makes you more reactive and impulsive setting the stage for more drama. The literature is full of data showing that DBT is something that while acknowledging that the person suffers intense emotions, it helps them to consider how they react to the emotions and learn to choose their behaviors.
The support of a patient, kind and knowledgeable partner who expects to be treated with respect helps a person practice these skills. Both have choices to make if they value the relationship and each other. Some are ready and able given the right partner mix, others still need to learn the hard way. In the process both people grow and move forward and that is a big achievement given the constraints that are overcome. So please do continue the conversation, but remember that it is always best to be well informed, caring, firm, kind, understanding and consistent.
Stay positive but insist on moving forward. You will either find your way out of the drama one way or the other. He also has worked hard in his life, through therapy, relationships, and his career, to develop extraordinary communication, interpersonal, and relationship skills. He seems to understand, and he says he can take it.
Borderline Personality Disorder: What I Wish You Knew
As I read this, I fear I may be idealizing him!!! This is so sad. I hope women with bpd are not reading this!! Both parties in every relationship have to take full responsibility for their actions. The scenario you have played out is from a very narrow view point. Or perhaps you know someone in this situation? I been with her for 16 months and same accusations, lieing , no empathy , no compassion for others and only nice when is on the take ,slowly losing friends and family due to issues.
Women with traits of BPD may appear to be capable of overriding their natural selfishness when they are in the throws of new love. You are preaching to the converted. My nice girlfriend changed overnight into an unrecognizable opposite image of herself.
Later I saw borderline personality disorder and it was describing her. The ability to shift from social to selfish was baffling me until I have read this statement. I now finally have peace in finding out the alien that swallowed my beautiful adorable girlfriend. Thank you so much for this.
An over trusting guy here. Know everything will be alright now. You just summed up my 19 year marriage ending in divorce with my abusive BPD ex wife who cheated multiple times on me. Wife has been diagnosed throughout life with many diagnosis, even BPD. Current therapist just say depressed, of course she cannot be telling everything. Wife certainly has BPD traits. Now she is in a horrible depressive state, and I am getting her into a 2-month hospital treatment program.
One previous meds she was full of rage, raging over everything, now utterly depressed. It really tired me out. One point of contention, we have moved into three houses since married. Now she wants to move again, because she is lonely, yet she is the one that picked the house! I have fixed it up, and have so much money tied into it, I could lose my retirement if this keeps happening. I believe loneliness is self generated, but how do you convince someone of that? Selling a house can be detrimental when equity is low.
I have explained things many times, and even thought things out, but over a month it just goes in one big circle. It is like she forgets she agreed this is not a wise move, but then it always comes back. Dee, you are in a difficult position. The need to fill the emotional void tends to cause obsessive and sometimes addictive urges in women with traits of BPD.
It sounds like patiently setting your boundaries whenever this comes is working in your case. This approach over time can provide partners with a sense of boundaries they are unable to provide for themselves. After years of marriage, five years ago my wife started quickly to show intense BPD characteristics.
They were there to a lesser level all along, but I just thought my wife was very sensitize and vulnerable. I have been reading many sites over the last five years as I have struggled to understand and respond to the overwhelming BPD traits of my wife. I appreciate the articles on this site, and I appreciate the comments sections just as much. I think the picture painted here of the relationship between people with BPD and their partners is an accurate one.
My wife did not ask to have this, and it has impacted much of her life negatively, not just in our marriage. She deserves my understanding and support. When my wife tells that she loves with every ounce of her being, she is speaking with total truth from her heart. But when my wife yells, slaps, hits in the middle of the night from hell that she hates me and I am the worst person in the world, I also now understand that she is also speaking from her heart at that moment to. I have experienced all kinds of abuse, including physical. I vowed when this began that I would stay with her and work it through, However, she has never been able to stay in therapy, and believes all is my fault, and that if I would just love her it would solve all our problems.
I have a lawyer and am going forward on a separation as a first step. I am truly astonished that you know so much about BPD yet you are forgetting the vital traits of this personality. I have been in relationships where I have genuinely felt as though I had been betrayed and so I felt deeply hurt. Now I look back on those relationships and have realised that perhaps it was my intense fear of being abandoned along with my truly negative mind, that created this scenario and ensured I believed it.
Now as for BDP traits; they are uncontrollable!!!!!!!!!!!!! Become lazy and complacent in a relationship whether they are nice or not. I have suicidal thoughts at least once a month but I am now at a stage in my life where I can diminish them fairly quickly. I am also with someone who knows these things about me and is willing to help me learn to deal with them and perhaps change my mind set. Because he has stuck by me, I respect him more than anyone I have ever been with before. I know that if I was to ever cheat, he would be gone.
He loves me and my BDP but he has respect for himself and he has a backbone. It comes from trauma and bullying and the fear of being hated. So what have you done? You have fulfilled our strongest concerns, luckily I am far enough along in my illness to know that people like you will not take up all of my day now, I will not worry anymore after I have hit the post comment box!!
You could end up feeling VERY guilty if you were to know the pain they may inflict on themselves. You should be ashamed! Thank you a thousand times for your work and the kindness you have exhibited by posting your research and learning for all to see. This article is completely unfair. I am currently in recovery of bpd, and I have to say that what you said in your article is not always the case. Just because we have this disorder does not mean we are monsters, con artists, anything else you would like to call us.
We are not bad people. We are just people who have a hard time regulating our emotions, which makes it very hard to control our behaviors. When I read your article, it seemed to me that you were saying that those with bpd cannot control their behaviors. This is so inaccurate, because it is possible with the right treatment. And we have feelings just like anyone else and are all equally deserving of love. Having a disorder such as borderline personality disorder does not mean we deserve harsh criticism and hate, especially when many of us have had to suffer traumatic childhoods.
So before you go pointing fingers at all these women as bad and evil and unstable. I hate to be brutally honest, but this is exactly what seems to happen, the flaws get projected on the other person. This will give you good perspective, you may be right, he may be right, or maybe its a mixing bowl of issues. Ive had so many problems turned around and falsly placed on me its not even funny, and when you havent reached a point to where your a little keen as to whats going on you actually think some of it may be your fault. Now i can tell you when i was younger getting caught up in this can make you take on some of the same traits, her insecurities can wind up beings his too, but as I got older i learned to stay with who i cared about, try my best and if nothing could repair it or she put up as many walls as she could to prevent me from repairing it, but still wanting me to stay around, i finally just cut off communication with no explanation so no response is needed or no argument starts.
Yep, been through it two maybe 3 times, I usually come to my senses at the year mark as the relationship has usually degraded enough by that point. You will find sometimes they are very loving, other times they are looking at your every action thinking it will mean more than it really does. They will manipulate you, not so much as to get what they want in terms of things, but what they need to feel good.
I was the one accused of being selfish that time lol. Another one was not so much like that but hurt herself on purpose to get sympathy, but kinda hit the nail on the head for the borderline description. At any rate this is percent doomed to fail in all cases.
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Is this really them just being an asshole to you? Not really it is a mental problem. The same can be said for men who physically abuse women, they also have mental problems, men tend to act aggressive, while women more passive-aggressive when letting anger or the feeling of being hurt out. I would like to share my story about my now twice ex girlfriend that exhibits many, many traits of someone with BPD. I first met her at work about 6 years ago.
We dated for 3 years then she left me right out of the blue and cut me off. Right as we were looking for engagement rings, she freaks out and ends its. We started texting for approximately 3 months until we finally met for coffee and started seeing each other again for 8 months until it ended 2 weeks ago…and again, it was right out of the blue. After our first break up, I was devastated. I even went to therapy where my therapist even agreed that she has some sort of personality disorder she also displayed narcissistic traits.
I searched the internet and found all kinds of information to decipher her crazy-making behavior like how one minute she tells me she wants to marry, and next she is leaving me. While the realization provided some relief, it also saddened me incredibly. Her father cheated on her mother and her mother would share way too much information about it with her kids she actually drove her kids around looking for her father while he was cheating and telling the kids what was going on.
After witnessing such marital turmoil during childhood, I am sure this created a great sense of distrust in men and thereby she developed these self-preserving defense mechanisms. I agreed to get back together in hopes she changed. Though she has grown up some she is still very much wounded and I believe always will be until she gets help.
After our first break up, she bought a house with a guy after only 6 months into the relationship. He cheated on her and actually was physically abusive with her yet she stayed in the relationship. Looking back, after our first meeting for the second time around, she came on to me in a very strong sexual way. We did sleep together after our first date. Maybe not the best idea but the chemistry was undeniable. I was actually surprised she was the one that said this. As time went on in the first few months, I would get love bombed like crazy. I could write all kinds of things.
I can look back and see how I fell so in love with her. So I took what she said with a grain of salt and just waited to see if she really meant it. A couple months before it ended is when I think she started to devalue me. One thing everyone should know is that if someone cares about you and really wants to spend time with you, they will make time.
There was a time during this period where I denied her of something and got offended by how mean she reacted. I accepted her apology and believed her. Other times where she would think I was ignoring her, I was met with rage that you would expect from a 12 year old. When I felt she was devaluing me, I started to question her.
I would ask her if she meant all those things she said to me in the beginning like marriage and kids. She would deflect, deny, or change the subject, eventually getting mad and projecting back on me. I was like talking to a kid. Any hint of criticism or perceived criticism was met with resistance.
Her ego is so fragile and her sense of self is so delicate, she will do anything to protect it. I am a confident guy and with her I turned into a pussy. I am also a nice guy that normally puts other before myself but she takes my best qualities and stretches them beyond their limits. She is so insecure and so emotionally underdeveloped, she requires a lot of empathy but at the same time tough love. As anyone would say, it was like walking on eggshells. She is so driven by her emotions. She makes her decisions off those incredibly sensitive emotions that she is feeling at that time.
I do believe she ended it before she thought I would, just like the first time. Everything was over text too. She is incredibly afraid of confrontation. A lot of shame and guilt. I will never really figure her out. I truly love this woman and care about her deeply but it will always be a difficult relationship and I will never be at peace during it.
Women like her thrive off drama and stimulation. She feels comfortable in chaos and dysfunction yet craves love and affection but at the same time pushes it away. Maybe that is why she stayed in this previous relationship. There was so much drama. Plus she probably afraid to leave until I was back in her life.
Something I am not sure someone like her is capable of without serious help. I would ask her a question in the most calm, nonjudgmental way possible and she would still feel threatened by it as if I was attacking her or analyzing her by becoming defensive and projecting back on me. THAT is what breaks my heart…that she may never allow herself to be happy. Unless people like her get help, there is no amount of love that can change her. The more I loved her, the further away she went.
I even mentioned therapy but it went nowhere. Hope my story helps those that are facing a similar situation. Nicola, a question for you. Are women like this so blinded by their present emotions that they tend to rewrite history? Is it just to convince themselves they were right to end it to avoid feeling guilt and shame? JT, thanks for your story. Your insight will definitely will help those read it.
The idealization phase consists of blocking out all of the memories of experiences that made them feel doubt with a partner. In devaluation phase they block out all of the memory of experiences that made them feel hope. The reason they can so easily block out reality is that they are using their emotional processing center to process most of their experiences.
When people use their emotional processing center their feelings are stronger than reality. Unless a woman with traits of BPD learns how to include her intellectual processing center when processing experiences, she will continue to be able to block out reality.
But it is the guilt and shame that keep them from admitting, once they are confronted on it, that their perceptions are wrong and causing them to behave in destructive ways. Thank you so much for your reply Joanna. Your site is amazing and the best I have read on the subject of relationships with women with BPD traits. My ex has a big heart, and I know she struggles with this. I do have another question for you…I want to know if you think there is anything I can do now to help her.
If I wrote her a short letter just offering to be there for her if she needed someone, how do you think a woman such as her would take that? Would she take it as me trying to manipulate her back into a relationship? Has she already split me to the point of no return? Is there a time period post break up where she can see things differently? Or is it best just to let her go completely? The most important focus after one of these breakups is to your own recovery, which usually consists of gaining closure, just as you are doing, by finding resources that make sense of these behavior patterns. Her behaviors are addictive in nature.
They lack the trust of even their closest loved ones and will often choose to separate from those trying to help them over facing the truth about their behavior. So most people with traits of BPD must wait until they reach a true bottom. On a more positive note, education in the BPD behavior patterns is growing, and there are more opportunities for these individuals to come across a helpful article on BPD which may take the aspect of trust for the messenger out of the equation. My healing is actually going quite well. I guess already going through a break up with this person desensitized me to the aftermath.
I understand why she pushes me away but it is hard to accept. Is it possible to be friends with her or women like her? Like I said, a romantic relationship is off the table. Do you hear this a lot where these type of women offer to be friends? JT, yes, some women with traits of BPD do want to remain friends. If there is closeness, which is usually a goal of friendship, the same triggers will be set off as in a romantic relationship, although to a milder degree.
Why not keep it on a freinds with benefits basis so no one gets hurt or feels conned? It not only causes her great distress it can destroy the men she has been with as they had no idea what they were letting themselves in for. She is already in a new relationship and may be cheating on him ready for the new split. Even a Doctor said of her, if she put as much work into making her relationships work as she does into finding new men she would be worth working with.
So why do they bother? Having such strong emotions make people with BPD incredibly empathetic, and because of this we find it easy to connect with people on an emotional level quickly. Some people pull away for space, which is possibly the hardest thing for us to take. When people pull away for any reason, that part of our illness goes into overdrive and this is where the disorder may get its bad name. To understand why our reactions can be so adverse, our partner needs to understand that because of our illness, we think differently in some ways to others.
This is not helpful and certainly not an easy quality to deal with in someone you share your life with, but the key to it working is understanding why the person does the things they do so you can work together to help them. Ella Byworth for Metro.